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Wednesday, 18 February 2015

The Lord of the Coffee: A Sheridan College Student’s Journey to the Tim Horton’s

Nothing really happens in your advertising classes. Generations of postgrads have lived out their lives in that E wing classroom, never truly seeing the world. Until one day, as fate would have it, a great burden fell upon one little advertising student.

You have been tasked with getting the professor a coffee. She has a “roll up the rim” tab, and would like you to cash it in before the 10 minute break is over.

You have heard rumours of the Tim Horton’s line and how perilous it can be at 4pm on a Wednesday. Everyone needs a boost right about now. And in the height of roll-up-the-rim season, students are willing to push and claw their way through the crowd for a single cup. Surely, the Tim Horton’s is no place for a little advertising student.
You ask if you can go to the Second Cup to grab her the coffee. She responds “this roll-up tab can only be returned to the Tim Horton’s, the coffee store from whence it was forged”. 

“One more thing”, she says before she sends you away. “Do not use my roll-up-the-rim tab. I’m serious. I will be really pissed off”.
You leave the classroom with a heavy heart. Just as you’re entering the computer lab, you run into a few of your classmates. They have decided to get some coffee as well. You decide to brave the line together. 

"You Have My Sword!"

Just as you’re crossing the blue ramp, you realize that you have never been so far from the E wing before. Why are so many of your classes in the E wing? You don’t know. That’s just the way it always has been, since the beginning of time itself.

You approach the Tim Horton’s. The line is much longer and more perilous than you had anticipated. You are confronted by thousands and thousands of angry undergraduate students, and they start attacking you. The Sean Bean character in your life dies immediately.

The fellowship has been separated, and there is no way you can handle that line without all of your friends there. Just then, a creepy little caffeine-junky creature tells you the Tim Horton’s behind the Learning Commons has basically no line. You are not sure whether to trust the creature…she seems to be after your free coffee. But you decide to follow her for now.

"AAAAH Creepy!"

The road to the Tim Horton’s is long and dreary. You wander through many halls, all seeming to lead nowhere. You wonder who it was who designed this campus anyways; perhaps one of the first year architecture students. Most likely they got an F.

You reluctantly let the Gollum lead you through the Dead Marshes.

Just then, you start thinking about how much you need a cup of coffee. You can't imagine having to sit through another hour and a half of this lecture without one. You start to wonder what it would be like if you simply...claimed the free coffee as your own. The draw of the caffeine is strong.

Finally, you make it to the Tim Horton’s. You fight off a pack of undergraduate students and are almost defeated. But as luck would have it, you reach the front of the line safely.

Just as you are about to put in your Professor’s order, you hesitate. There is only one minute left until the break is over. You think to yourself: did I really go through all this and I don’t even get a free drink?

“The coffee is mine!” You exclaim, consumed by power.
Just then, you find a dollar in your pocket. You buy yourself a second coffee and then get the hell out of there.

The End